1. Bang your head against the machine hoping to change the reels to your favour.
2. Don’t go into epileptic shock from all the flashing lights.
3. Use a coin on a string like in all those silent films and old cartoons.
4. Break open the machine and steal all the coins inside… then run from the cops later.
5. Play slot machine Russian roulette… if you lose, shoot yourself.
6. Play on each machine once then switch to the next machine.
7. Play with the max bet.
8. Do drugs before you play for a really awesome slot machine acid trip.
9. Play while someone sits on your lap.
10. Don’t touch the lever with your hand, but with your mind.
11. When you win, don’t collect. Just run away! How awesome would that be?
12. Bring orphans to the casino so they can watch you gamble all their donation money away.
13. Play blackjack and slots at the same time online.
14. Take a bathroom break while playing slots. Yeah, you can go in your seat. It’s okay.
15. Marathon slot games for 36 hours straight with no food, water or sleep. You’ll love it!
16. Pull the lever with your foot.
17. Pull the lever with your boobs. Men can do this too.
18. Play two machines at the same time using both hands… if you have both hands. If you are an amputee, we are very very sorry.
19. Play blindfolded.
20. Do not play, just sit there contemplating the machine in deep philosophical thought.
21. Always hug your machine before you play with it.
22. Don’t forget to kiss it too when you play otherwise you machine might get upset and might be made to feel dirty afterwards.
23. Place a condom on the lever. You never know who has been touching it!
24. Pull the lever with your mouth… yeah after the last one, this sounds more dirty than it should.
25. Pull the lever with your butt. Okay, that’s the last of these pull the lever with x body part! Sorry!
26. Wear a French maid’s uniform when you play.
27. Unplug the machine and then start playing for practice in getting your pulls down just right.
28. Do a Shinto charm chant before you pull the lever for good luck.
29. Every time you pull the lever say aloud, “I sentence you to die!”
30. Dance between every game.
31. Stand while playing.
32. Play with a gimp mask on.
33. Play while on top of a horse.
34. Play while the horse is on top of you.

Citing the slot machine took his money (which he is factually telling the truth since slot machines are supposed to “take your money”… and maybe give it back with more, maybe), Clarke approached a Harlow employee complaining that he lost at the slot machine and wanted his money back. The employee denied his request (probably whilst giggling at Clarke’s stupidity). At this point, Clarke exited the casino, returned to his car, retrieved a handgun and then began going on a nonstop rampage killing over 3,000 people. NO! Just kidding, he only shot the machine getting his $1.50 back.

Officers quickly arrested Clarke, and pocketed Clarke’s $1.50 to be used for donuts or drugs or whatever it is cops spend money on. Clarke has been charged with shooting a firearm in an occupied dwelling, brandishing a deadly weapon, felony criminal mischief… and being yet another casino dumbass!

Morris went to the Palace Casino where he won exactly $7,217,175.15 in a progressive jackpot win playing The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship, which basically pointed out that his friend was a Nazgul and Mr. Morris would soon become one of the Ring Wraiths, seeing as this money could only corrupt him. His good friend, the unnamed man whom the funeral was for, was a champion slot machine player and felt his friend was “watching over him and had blessed him with the big win.” Of course, we all know this is the dark lord Sauron’s plan to take over middle-Earth, or middle-America it would seem. One slot machine to rule them all!

Of course this is all great news and we’re all smiles for Mr. Morris, but can’t help but feel the evil of dark cloud atop Sauron’s Eye of Mordor keeping watch over these events. Ad considering that Mr. Morris is in the age where all his friends are dying, we suppose he hasn’t much longer to enjoy that 7.2 million green backs. Hey Mr. Morris, share some of the love, will you?! We don’t mind becoming twisted Uruk Hai slaving away at the request of the dark lord!

First trick up my sleeve is to mess around with the coins. If the slot requires you to put in tokens or coin money, then this is an easily exploitable trick. All you have to do is not put in the proper amount with a metal coin of simpler size to play for free! Jam up that coin slot with Japanese Yen or other currencies that aren’t worth crap to get the best bang for your non-buck. The same thing works with paper money too, just stick all that fruity colourful paper from third world countries and you’re gold! No more wasting your true cash! But, one problem, how do you get foreign money? Simple, just go abroad and rob a bank! Bingo. Problem solved.

You can also attach a string to your coin to pull it back out before it gets gobbled up by the machine. And here you thought it was only possible on cartoons! No, it can work in real life too, you just need to make sure you get some really good string or it could snap leaving this plan broken. Another thing you could do is to just start banging the machine like a great ape hoping coins will rain down in a jackpot. Not only is this fun, but you’ll look like a total asshat doing it!

And while you’re in the middle of doing all this, keep in mind there are security cameras watching your every move! So while you can enjoy cheating and looking like a jackass, I didn’t say it’d actually help you in winning. It’s just another fun way to play the game!

The unnamed Italian businessman, who may or may not be a member of the mafia, showed up to a Bergamo gambling arcade with bags and bags of cash (probably smoking a cigar too and slipping bills in between the breast of his female companions under each of his arms), then lost everything within 12 hours. He even had to borrow money from “friends” which means from the Dons to continue playing slots and he lost all of that money, too.

Being the alpha male jackass that he is, realizing he just got conned by obviously rigged machines, he became violent (think Tony Montana in Scarface sans the machinegun) to which he had to be tackled by police forces and sedated by medical staff who then brought him to the hospital where he’ll wake up to an ultra expensive hospital bill and tattooed goons with clubs looking to collect the Don’s interest.

Moral of this story? Gambling addiction is a serious problem in Europe due to the economic crisis, so don’t let this happen to you. Just hopefully, overall stupidity isn’t as contagious.

Just sit back, relax and get ready to be entertained with the best casino/gambling satire you’ve ever seen in your life! That is if you’re not so broke you can’t afford internet. Boom!